Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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