First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
3 2 1 whiskey
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
