It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
