I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
