i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
