my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
