You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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