shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
