i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
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