thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
