She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I need water and some morals
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
