Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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