i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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