Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
