i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
