so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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