Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
