We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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