You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
