there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
