Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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