Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
did you just send me my own nude
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
