I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
