I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Randomize