I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
