i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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