OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
