just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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