If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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