I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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