so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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