i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
