I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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