I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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