i need an iv and a liver transplant
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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