I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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