I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
