I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
You can't special order awesome
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
