so that wasnt chicken after all
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
