Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I think my nap took me to another dimension
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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