i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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