i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize