I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
