i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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