If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
