I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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