I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
That's when you crack a 10am beer
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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