Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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