the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
