so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
