Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
