so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
