dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
