my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize