I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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