You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
