i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
