walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
